Recently, I was given homework at the end of a session with my Spiritual Director. It was more like an invitation to continue the internal ponderings I had shared during our time together. I was exploring my experiences with the density of grace.
As I closed my computer, there was a part of me that resisted continuing my contemplation. In kindness to myself, I acknowledged the resistance to be expected because of old perceptions of the Divine and myself. I believed the Divine needed me to clearly define and understand what I was sifting through, so I required it of myself. While I have done a tremendous amount of sacred work to change these perceptions, there is a familiarity to this place I keep revisiting. But something is new too, I am noticing my resistance.
Is the companionship of resistance an invitation?
It feels big to consider resistance as a companion. In my past, rejecting my resistance felt required of me to be in relationship with the Divine. An old theology I believed was the Divine’s requirement of me to be all in or all out. Resistance seemed to put me more on the outside of a relationship with the Divine rather than on the inside where I desired to be.
What if it is ok to be in the presence of the Light and have resistance?
The invitation was becoming a different than I had expected. I decided it was time for a change in how I approached my time with the Light. I thought I would try being with both my resistance and the Light.
I took a deep breath, quieted myself and acknowledged resistance’s presence.
I imagined walking slowly into my heart cave. It seemed dark inside, and I needed to let my eyes adjust to the low level of light. I slowed my pace to allow my eyes time to take in my surroundings. I am pleased to see my eyes adjusting more quickly because the Light cast just enough light so I could see.
I paused to take notice.
I am in awe; the Light chose not to overwhelm me with an abundance of light it wielded. I was anticipating a spotlight to be on me and on my resistance. Instead, the Light dimmed Itself to welcome all of me. I breathe, I am fully accepted.
I sat and was seen.
As I noticed the Light adapting to what I needed to be present, I caught a glimpse of my Belovedness. The dimness drew my attention to notice the loving gaze of the Divine. My soul flooded with grace while the Divine and myself lovingly held my resistance and my unknowns. It felt good to be present authentically as a whole self. I needed the Light to accommodate me so I could be with the Light and my resistance. This was my first time we all three sat together.
I thanked the Light for meeting me.
As I reflect back on this time with the Light, I experience grace having a shape. There is weight to it. It feels tangible as I am seen, known, accepted and loved as I am. The density of grace is how I describe it. The experience is palpable as I recognize I did not need to change to be with the Light. Instead, the Light willingly modified the intensity of the brightness to be with me.
In the Advent season, may our longing be heightened as we recognize the desire of the Divine to be known and in relationship with us. The Divine revealed the Divine’s longing when the Light chose to be obscured by becoming human. This allowed the saturating Light of Divine to be held, seen and known through the Christ child. This loving accommodation invites us to have a relationship with the Divine on our level of limited understanding and knowing.
Thankfully, the Light continues to meet our need so we can see, know and be with the Divine in whatever season we find ourselves. Even in times of resistance, all are met and all are welcomed.
Audre is a Spiritual Companioning Editor who is passionate about helping writers, authors, bloggers, pastors and spiritual directors lean in to their call to write words the world needs to hear. She holds in high esteem what wants to be said and what needs to be said. She believes it takes writer and editor leaning into the Spirit to hear clearly the words the Divine has called the writer to share. As the three sojourn together, the writer’s voice is strengthened, their writing craft is honed and their reader will hear the words they have been longing to hear at just the right time.
Audre founded Saturated Grace, LLC in response to her call to be a Spiritual Director. She provides spiritual companionship and hosts Saturated Grace Groups. She sees the world through the lens of being an autistic person who mothers nuerodivergent children.