My Life Was Waiting for Me

Let me share a bit of my story.

My new job was exciting; every day was a learning adventure filled with new ways of discovering how I could show up in my new work environment. Initially, I didn’t know much about the content of the daily job, but with determination and a love of learning, it didn’t take long for me to become the “Expert” in an area and the go-to person for any questions on the topic. I was eager to please; I felt valued, fulfilled, and happy to be so lucky to have been extended the opportunity to be part of something important.

One day, while walking in the woods with a friend, I recounted this strange new feeling I was having: a sense of dissatisfaction. I had loved the job, but now I was feeling empty. Things were good, but I was discontent. Incredibly, I decided to try something new; I allowed and sat with these feelings being present to my emotional and physical space, taking in the woods as a place of peace, fresh air, and wildflowers, listening to the birds chirping their songs. It was amidst the spongey forest floor that my self-imposed work persona was revealed. While I was aware of my heart in this thin place of beauty, my eyes could finally see my essence crying out, “Set me free from this place!”

In Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer writes, “Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.”

This quote happened to me in real-time while walking in the woods that day. I couldn’t see the whole picture of what my life was speaking; I didn’t have the language I now have to articulate the heart-stirring feelings my life was trying to communicate. If I had taken the time to welcome the discontentedness and ask, “What do you want to say?” or perhaps “What do you need?” I may have relieved myself from four more years of pushing down discontent and trying to will myself into gratitude. The struggle continued with this mind over matter and perseverance toward the idea that I should have a happy mindset. After all, I had nothing to be ungrateful about. Unfortunately, the life I was living wasn’t the life that wanted to live through me.

The separation from that workplace was painful, and I made a few more wrong turns before committing to sitting with the questions and welcoming the voice of my soul's essence. I had listened to (maybe I was living out) the subconscious influences that had shaped me without knowing it, and I was happy for a while, but my life was waiting for me to return home to myself.

I am now aware that I am on a journey of letting my life live out the truths I already embody and the values I hold. As it turns out, proximity to beauty is one of my values, and when I’m in nature, I find myself being unformed and reformed by the spirit of God, the one who calls me by name and knows me better than I know myself.

My values and embodied truths come from the Creator of all life when I was knit together in my mother’s womb, and paying attention to them brings about my life.

As I write this, I wonder what your life might be trying to speak.
What truths are you holding onto? What questions are pointing you in a different direction? I invite you to sit with the questions and hold compassionate space for what is being undone within you.