Surrendering to Unanswered Questions

 In my recent health journey, I have discovered that I have less and less energy and vision for moving forward. I have been met with questions that have no realizable answers. It seems to me that the medical journey is a slow and tedious process at this moment in time.  

 I have gone through many tests over the last eight months and still have no answers. I have new compassion and empathy for those who have and do experience chronic illness. I wonder if this new way of living is the new normal or if there is an answer and possibly an end in sight.

  In this journey, my spiritual director passed on a beautiful blog post by Mark Nepo on Surrender. Nepo relates an earlier experience where he asked how to block the fear in his cancer journey. The answer he received was how does a tree block the wind. A tree allows the wind to blow through. He shares that the tree cooperates with the wind by allowing the fear to pass through. Reflecting on his description, I recognize that a tree cooperates with the wind and grows strong because of its force. The roots will grow deeper, and the trunk and branches become sturdier. What if this is the invitation in my own health journey?

  Reflecting on the wind blowing through my life currently, I can quickly feel the fear of what is next in an unanswerable journey. I can easily feel alone and isolated with my lack of energy and strength. And yet, am I really alone? Am I really lost? What is the truth in my own experience here?

  An image that my housemate has on her wall is a beautiful collage by Cody F Miller called Stand. It is an image of a woman wrapped in a blanket blowing in the wind. In her arms is a young child nuzzled into her embrace with a peaceful look on its face. This image came to mind as I sat with the words that Mark Nepo wrote.

  The truth is that I am not alone and that I trust a God who is with me and for me always. My current situation and journey of questions is a space that may not have the answers I am looking for, but a God who is present with me in the questions.

  I used to believe that God would rescue me from my circumstances, but in my life journey, I have discovered a God that allows questions and is with me in the questions. Life doesn’t give us easy and expected answers to our questions but a God who journeys with us. Maybe it isn’t so much about finding answers or being rescued from our life experiences, but is about surrendering to the mystery.

  Surrendering isn’t about giving up, being walked on, or even running away. It is more about cooperating with what is true. It may be just being present in the questions right where we are. Maybe even a yes to what life is offering in the moment.  

 So, maybe being present in my current health journey that seems to offer more questions than answers is about cooperating with this space of unknowing. Allowing the fear, unknowing, and actual fatigue to help me listen to what I need, desire, and long for to rise up within. And trust that the Sacred Creator of me is with me, for me, and ever loving me along the way. My hope is to lean in with the peace and rest in the child’s face that lies against the woman’s embrace as the One who loves and holds me. Even in saying that hope, the love and peace are even true when I am not wholly at rest.

  As I continued to sit with this image – I began to notice that the child, the beloved one, is also everyone. Those we agree with and those we do not. What if everyone that we either enjoy or not is that young child in God’s intimate embrace? Sometimes, the young child is nuzzled close, and maybe at other times, it is running around, still in the loving embrace of the blanket. So, what if everyone is a beloved of God and not an enemy to be despised? That would be a different and helpful blog post, given the current cultural and political climate.

  What about you? What are you holding in unanswered spaces and questions? I invite you to linger with your journey and the image of the picture I described and listen to your invitations.