The Committee

Sep 30 / Hannah Stuckey
Three times in the last four days, I heard the same message. Each was different in tone and emphasis, and each came from individuals with very different embodiments and backgrounds.

First, a therapist captured my imagination by painting a verbal picture of an oak tree in her backyard, changing with the seasons.

Then, a theologian invited me to walk between rows of grapevines, encouraging us to touch and smell the branches and fruit.

Lastly, a pastor spoke with passion and conviction about Jesus' teaching on pruning the branches that abide in Him, the vine.

I’m not a regular at church these days, which means I don’t take in much spiritual input in the way of sermons or teachings. Hearing three messages in four days was unique. These individuals did not know one another. They did not coordinate their messages. They were not even at the same event. Yet, they all spoke of a similar theme, at times using the same scriptures and images. I couldn’t help but believe this was more than a coincidence.

I have a history of mental health struggles, so taking the time and space to listen can be a vulnerable experience. But I told God I was paying attention and that I didn’t want to miss whatever insight They might have for me.

How do we learn to hear and make sense of the ways in which God is speaking to us? Much could be written on this—and much is—but here’s what it’s looking like for me right now.

I sit at the head of the table in the boardroom of my mind, calling this committee meeting to order. Anxiety always likes to speak first. I've learned that Anxiety needs to feel heard before she can quiet down. Her voice is often filled with what-ifs and thoughts of loss—it's unbearable to think about something precious changing, especially when it feels out of our control. I tell her she is welcome here.

Shame, of course, seconds Anxiety’s motion, so I address Shame, too. "I know, darling. You are always so ready to assume full responsibility for any ‘imperfections’ and ‘faults’ you see. But self-punishment won’t help us control potential pain. And blame isn’t a game we play anymore."

Then Self-Protection chimes in, speaking on behalf of Fear. In her bold, vigilant way, she shares the ways she’s already problem-solved the possible worst case scenarios we may face. "Girl,” I say, “You are so prepared! Thank you for trying to keep us safe! But, really, we’ve got what we need for right here, right now. The truth is, we’ve learned that we are capable of handling life as it comes. We’ve always been taken care of."

And with that, a silence falls over the table.

In that silence, Love begins to smile and Peace holds our hands. We all take a deep breath and release.

I opened this committee meeting with the question, How is God speaking to me through these serendipitous sermons? But now I see a new invitation. To keep paying attention, and to keep awake to that gentle curiosity. To let time and tending—like water over rock—form a new way in me, informed by the seasonality of God, and trust that the fruit I’m meant to receive will come in due time.

Hannah Stuckey
Hannah Stuckey served as a spiritual formation pastor in SE Portland and now works at Leadership Center (leadershipcenter.com) —helping leaders grow in personal and organizational wellness. She is also the Assistant Director for the Institute for Pastoral & Congregational Thriving at Portland Seminary (georgefox.edu/thriving), where she earned a Masters in Ministry Leadership.

Hannah is certified in Narrative Focused Trauma Care through the Allender Center. Hannah is a born and raised Portlander, where she and her dog, Teva, like to play outside and have dinner parties with friends.